Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
At the end of the day saying
“I will try again tomorrow”.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
That voice... I hear it daily. I hear it when I doubt myself and it's getting louder and louder, it's like my little angel, watching me from above and giving me the strength I need.
I will try again tomorrow...
Because tomorrow, I will have double that knowledge and confidence that I had the day before.
And with that, I enjoy my life journey - I finally start to enjoy my life journey.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Some thoughts that came during calm moments
The last year or so in terms of economic changes, has affected a lot of people, especially relationships... added stress, pressure, changes, ability to adapt fast to those changes, interal resistence to that said change.
Love IS enough to hold a relationship, because true love will give you all the answers you need in whatever challenges life throws at you.
If you have love, you have the will to work it through, no matter how hard times are, because you KNOW it's worth all that hard work, you KNOW how strong and happy you come out of it at the end with your soul mate.
Love IS enough to hold a relationship, because true love will give you all the answers you need in whatever challenges life throws at you.
If you have love, you have the will to work it through, no matter how hard times are, because you KNOW it's worth all that hard work, you KNOW how strong and happy you come out of it at the end with your soul mate.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
My heart is crying
The last argument crushed me. My eyes are sore and I am incredibly hurt. I did nothing wrong, or at least I feel I didn't, but I got punished and treated horribly.
I dedicated everything in me to take care of him, because he was sick, and I ended up getting yelled at.
And I ended up begging for him to stay, where deep down inside, I didn't really believe in us anymore. I did it, because I wanted to fight for it, but why fight for something that it's possibly not solvable anymore?
I feel very empty inside right now and I feel like everything he promised he will do for us was complete bullshit.
I am not even angry, I am simply really hurt.
He was sick and I understand that, but it's almost like I wasn't allowed at being disappointed we had a shitty first St. Nicks, that we did nothing special on that day, that him and my sister were complete useless and didn't even help me with the tree, that I spent all my weekend babysitting him instead of enjoying the holiday, that I constantly cleaned the house, his closet, drove all over for his drugs and food, that my family is far and I felt alone, that I demanded some appreciation... when I needed some "me" from him, I got told to fuck off and that he will leave me.
I didn't even sleep last night and I have a full day today, but to whom can I really talk to about this to be there for me? Why would he stay if he doesn't really love me? Why would I force him to stay if his heart isn't here anymore?
I am exhausted, mentally, physically, spiritually.
And hurt.
And very much alone and afraid.
And most importantly, really heartbroken.
I dedicated everything in me to take care of him, because he was sick, and I ended up getting yelled at.
And I ended up begging for him to stay, where deep down inside, I didn't really believe in us anymore. I did it, because I wanted to fight for it, but why fight for something that it's possibly not solvable anymore?
I feel very empty inside right now and I feel like everything he promised he will do for us was complete bullshit.
I am not even angry, I am simply really hurt.
He was sick and I understand that, but it's almost like I wasn't allowed at being disappointed we had a shitty first St. Nicks, that we did nothing special on that day, that him and my sister were complete useless and didn't even help me with the tree, that I spent all my weekend babysitting him instead of enjoying the holiday, that I constantly cleaned the house, his closet, drove all over for his drugs and food, that my family is far and I felt alone, that I demanded some appreciation... when I needed some "me" from him, I got told to fuck off and that he will leave me.
I didn't even sleep last night and I have a full day today, but to whom can I really talk to about this to be there for me? Why would he stay if he doesn't really love me? Why would I force him to stay if his heart isn't here anymore?
I am exhausted, mentally, physically, spiritually.
And hurt.
And very much alone and afraid.
And most importantly, really heartbroken.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Questioning choices
I haven't written in a while, because life has overwhelmed me with challenges. Days became hard tests and I had to keep focused.
Most days, I would do great.
Other days, it takes over me and I just let it run its course, but the course can be very ugly sometimes, especially when your loved one refuses to understand how difficult it can be. You can't force anybody to stand by you, but when you need it sometimes, you end up becoming desperate for their help.
I did pass my test and I am half-way through my training. I got my license yesterday and it was quite an amazing feeling. A feeling of accomplishment, something I haven't felt in a very long time, almost like I didn't deserve to have these feelings. I am very proud of myself, but I am also more humble than anything. I like to be grounded these days, it reminds me of me being human.
Some of the last arguments I have had with him have been very damaging to me - to both of us, I am sure. I can only speak for myself and I wonder sometimes if some of this damage is irreversible. I look at him and I know I love him with all my heart, but I also know in my heart that if the man that can't be strong enough to stand by me, through my good times and not so good times, than maybe this is not the kind of man that I need to have by my side.
I started to question these things, because I feel our relationship is at the point of going the next step, but I will not feel completely right about really saying "yes" to his question unless I know he truly loves me.
It's not a matter of questioning his love for me, it's a matter of questioning the amount of effort he wants to really put in to make this a happy, healthy, loving, strong and beautiful relationship. I question how much he truly believes in this relationship, how much he truly believe I am the one.
I don't feel it - when I look into his eyes, I don't feel that passion he used to have anymore. When I look into his eyes, his look doesn't reflect his happiness to want to spend the rest of his life with me.
It reflects fear, it reflects doubt, it reflects hesitation.
I come to the realization that I am on my way of building a fulfilling life for myself - finally. With that, I don't believe he wants that with me anymore and I will find out in two months if that is the case.
Most days, I would do great.
Other days, it takes over me and I just let it run its course, but the course can be very ugly sometimes, especially when your loved one refuses to understand how difficult it can be. You can't force anybody to stand by you, but when you need it sometimes, you end up becoming desperate for their help.
I did pass my test and I am half-way through my training. I got my license yesterday and it was quite an amazing feeling. A feeling of accomplishment, something I haven't felt in a very long time, almost like I didn't deserve to have these feelings. I am very proud of myself, but I am also more humble than anything. I like to be grounded these days, it reminds me of me being human.
Some of the last arguments I have had with him have been very damaging to me - to both of us, I am sure. I can only speak for myself and I wonder sometimes if some of this damage is irreversible. I look at him and I know I love him with all my heart, but I also know in my heart that if the man that can't be strong enough to stand by me, through my good times and not so good times, than maybe this is not the kind of man that I need to have by my side.
I started to question these things, because I feel our relationship is at the point of going the next step, but I will not feel completely right about really saying "yes" to his question unless I know he truly loves me.
It's not a matter of questioning his love for me, it's a matter of questioning the amount of effort he wants to really put in to make this a happy, healthy, loving, strong and beautiful relationship. I question how much he truly believes in this relationship, how much he truly believe I am the one.
I don't feel it - when I look into his eyes, I don't feel that passion he used to have anymore. When I look into his eyes, his look doesn't reflect his happiness to want to spend the rest of his life with me.
It reflects fear, it reflects doubt, it reflects hesitation.
I come to the realization that I am on my way of building a fulfilling life for myself - finally. With that, I don't believe he wants that with me anymore and I will find out in two months if that is the case.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
November 14th 2009 - a great day
I wrote my test today, I finished an hour early. I am super-nervous about it and I am afraid to feel anything, good or bad.
There is just so much at stake and I could have probably studied harder, although I really believe I went it very prepared. I am super-critical on myself and I just want to get that high mark I have been praying and preparing myself for.
I am nervous, but I am positive. And when I get insecure, I keep saying to myself in my head, you did great, you did great, you did great... YOU DESERVE IT THIS TIME!!!!
I deserve it this time!
I am a perfectionist and right now, I am a very nervous perfectionist, but I will discipline myself, have a great week and pray to God every day for a good mark.
I had a quiet evening and I really enjoyed myself. I blessed the house today too. :) It was important, because our house needed to have all negative thoughts burned and sent away. They are all gone now and only happiness and love live with me, Mohamed and Sushi.
He promised me he would ask me to learn Romanian (which was the second time he promised but he never really was interested, which made him forget easily) and he didn't. He also promised he would give me a massage and that didn't happen.
I don't want to sound negative, that is why I decided to get out of bed and come write, I wanted my emotions to wear down a bit and really allow them to work themselves out, without causing any unnecessary arguments.
I wanted to wear those positive thinking glasses and see the situation through those lenses, before I decide to bring it up to him or not. After looking through those glasses, I realize that yes, I was disappointed, but in the grand scheme of things, he was very supportive and he got up early with me, eventhough he partied hard the night before and went to bed at 4am, only to wake up at 9:00am. He made me omelet, coffee, went swimming, went grocery shopping and have a full day, on top of really supporting and being there for me and really taking care of me. He gave me the quiet night I really wanted.
I am grateful for all that and all that is more important than a massage and asking to learn Romanian, which can always happen tomorrow.
He does such a great job at taking care of me these days and I can't forget that.
No matter what.
He said it to me yesterday that he's ready for the big "IT" now. I don't know if he remembers saying that, but I do. And I can see he is excited to take it to the next level now. I guess he's starting to get ready.
Good, because I have been waiting. :)
And THIS IS IT for him as well.
There is just so much at stake and I could have probably studied harder, although I really believe I went it very prepared. I am super-critical on myself and I just want to get that high mark I have been praying and preparing myself for.
I am nervous, but I am positive. And when I get insecure, I keep saying to myself in my head, you did great, you did great, you did great... YOU DESERVE IT THIS TIME!!!!
I deserve it this time!
I am a perfectionist and right now, I am a very nervous perfectionist, but I will discipline myself, have a great week and pray to God every day for a good mark.
I had a quiet evening and I really enjoyed myself. I blessed the house today too. :) It was important, because our house needed to have all negative thoughts burned and sent away. They are all gone now and only happiness and love live with me, Mohamed and Sushi.
He promised me he would ask me to learn Romanian (which was the second time he promised but he never really was interested, which made him forget easily) and he didn't. He also promised he would give me a massage and that didn't happen.
I don't want to sound negative, that is why I decided to get out of bed and come write, I wanted my emotions to wear down a bit and really allow them to work themselves out, without causing any unnecessary arguments.
I wanted to wear those positive thinking glasses and see the situation through those lenses, before I decide to bring it up to him or not. After looking through those glasses, I realize that yes, I was disappointed, but in the grand scheme of things, he was very supportive and he got up early with me, eventhough he partied hard the night before and went to bed at 4am, only to wake up at 9:00am. He made me omelet, coffee, went swimming, went grocery shopping and have a full day, on top of really supporting and being there for me and really taking care of me. He gave me the quiet night I really wanted.
I am grateful for all that and all that is more important than a massage and asking to learn Romanian, which can always happen tomorrow.
He does such a great job at taking care of me these days and I can't forget that.
No matter what.
He said it to me yesterday that he's ready for the big "IT" now. I don't know if he remembers saying that, but I do. And I can see he is excited to take it to the next level now. I guess he's starting to get ready.
Good, because I have been waiting. :)
And THIS IS IT for him as well.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Positive thinking
Thoughts are like lens prescriptions, either positive or negative in nature. The way you see the world is similar with looking through glasses. Positive thinking makes us look at the world very differently as if we were having negative thoughts. When we have negative thoughts, it's much easier for us to lose our cool, because we don't find it worth it enough to us to control our emotions.
It's very hard to control our thoughts, but with practice we can control them sometimes. At first, it may seem like it takes all the energy out of us to be able to actually do it and we want to give up because positive thinking should not take such hard work. It should be easy!
But then when did we ever enjoy anything that came easy to us? When did we ever appreciate its real value if we didn't put in any effort?
If we start paying attention to what we are thinking, we'll notice it's almost never something good. Always something that bothers us, doesn't feel good, we don't like, we want because we don't have it and so on.
So, by doing yoga, I am going inside my soul in a warm and safe place that feels good, sound good, smells good, and is filled with life and love. And whenever I have a flow of negative emotions come to me, I try to go back to that place.
I'm not saying that positive thinking is healing cancer, but it just might change the way you look at it, or the way you approach it, or just the way you live your life while dealing with it. Although if my mom had the strength to work on her positive thinking and to allow her soul to shine, maybe she would not have left the world so early. I am sure that maybe God didn't want her to suffer anymore, so because he loved her so much, the only way to help her was to take her away from this world. I don't know, I could have a lot of weird explanations, but the truth of the matter is, I know she needed that in her life. It was very tough for her, initially as a single mom in a dirt of a country, with depressed people around her, never getting ahead in life and a violent second husband.
Hard for her not to pass her karma to me, and she probably felt guilty for doing so. I think Prahdala is right, I think I should be honoured that I was appointed this challenge, to take care of her karma and mine as well. And I needed to be ready to do that.
I don't know what defines ready, but I do know I feel very different than I have been for a long time.
I analyzed the people I know and find out that the ones that are so "lucky" and healthy are always seeing things differently than me. And everything was going their way. On the other hand the people who were always finding the faults and that had no "good luck." Things were working against them. They also never BELIEVED or EXPECTED things to work for them and I have associated with these types of people for a long time now.
So, if we all KNOW what we want, BELIEVE (or PRETEND) that we already have it (and not lack of that), EXPECT it and ALLOW it, we could all be the lucky ones, just the way Universe wants us to be. Giving that everything is energy, the Law of Attraction teaches us that we attract to us everything we give a thought to, the more thought you give the more energy that thing has and the bigger reality it becomes.
If we think how much we would love more money we are giving the thought to the fact that we don't have enough, so we never have more. But if we think about how much we love those beautiful dresses from Cristine I have, how cute Sushi is, how sexy and incredible para is, how awesome our home is, how great our meals always taste when we cook together, we are giving a thought to something good and more we get. Maybe, feeling grateful every morning about the fact that we ca open our eyes and see the day, smell the fresh air, and hear the cars and people and crackheads screaming, will bring us more of health, or at least take our mind from things that are bordering us.
I try this every day, I wake up, plan my day and my week and most of the time it works and sometimes doesn't, but then I try again. I go to bed, I wake up and try again and never quit, never give up. And when everything else fails, I look at a picture of me and Mohamed in our favourite resort in Vegas. It serves as a focus to bring me back in a place of LOVE. And it always works, IT ALWAYS WORKS!
He inspires me to love myself more and more each day in order to better love him more and more each day.
This is it - this is my life and it's my cue to shine.
It's very hard to control our thoughts, but with practice we can control them sometimes. At first, it may seem like it takes all the energy out of us to be able to actually do it and we want to give up because positive thinking should not take such hard work. It should be easy!
But then when did we ever enjoy anything that came easy to us? When did we ever appreciate its real value if we didn't put in any effort?
If we start paying attention to what we are thinking, we'll notice it's almost never something good. Always something that bothers us, doesn't feel good, we don't like, we want because we don't have it and so on.
So, by doing yoga, I am going inside my soul in a warm and safe place that feels good, sound good, smells good, and is filled with life and love. And whenever I have a flow of negative emotions come to me, I try to go back to that place.
I'm not saying that positive thinking is healing cancer, but it just might change the way you look at it, or the way you approach it, or just the way you live your life while dealing with it. Although if my mom had the strength to work on her positive thinking and to allow her soul to shine, maybe she would not have left the world so early. I am sure that maybe God didn't want her to suffer anymore, so because he loved her so much, the only way to help her was to take her away from this world. I don't know, I could have a lot of weird explanations, but the truth of the matter is, I know she needed that in her life. It was very tough for her, initially as a single mom in a dirt of a country, with depressed people around her, never getting ahead in life and a violent second husband.
Hard for her not to pass her karma to me, and she probably felt guilty for doing so. I think Prahdala is right, I think I should be honoured that I was appointed this challenge, to take care of her karma and mine as well. And I needed to be ready to do that.
I don't know what defines ready, but I do know I feel very different than I have been for a long time.
I analyzed the people I know and find out that the ones that are so "lucky" and healthy are always seeing things differently than me. And everything was going their way. On the other hand the people who were always finding the faults and that had no "good luck." Things were working against them. They also never BELIEVED or EXPECTED things to work for them and I have associated with these types of people for a long time now.
So, if we all KNOW what we want, BELIEVE (or PRETEND) that we already have it (and not lack of that), EXPECT it and ALLOW it, we could all be the lucky ones, just the way Universe wants us to be. Giving that everything is energy, the Law of Attraction teaches us that we attract to us everything we give a thought to, the more thought you give the more energy that thing has and the bigger reality it becomes.
If we think how much we would love more money we are giving the thought to the fact that we don't have enough, so we never have more. But if we think about how much we love those beautiful dresses from Cristine I have, how cute Sushi is, how sexy and incredible para is, how awesome our home is, how great our meals always taste when we cook together, we are giving a thought to something good and more we get. Maybe, feeling grateful every morning about the fact that we ca open our eyes and see the day, smell the fresh air, and hear the cars and people and crackheads screaming, will bring us more of health, or at least take our mind from things that are bordering us.
I try this every day, I wake up, plan my day and my week and most of the time it works and sometimes doesn't, but then I try again. I go to bed, I wake up and try again and never quit, never give up. And when everything else fails, I look at a picture of me and Mohamed in our favourite resort in Vegas. It serves as a focus to bring me back in a place of LOVE. And it always works, IT ALWAYS WORKS!
He inspires me to love myself more and more each day in order to better love him more and more each day.
This is it - this is my life and it's my cue to shine.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Me
The only way you can chance the world is by changing yourself... at least that is the only person I truly have control in changing.
Many emotions have surfaced today, but I am trying to stay focused on what I need to achieve. I am still very hurt, but I need to heal on my own and on my own terms, and in my own time. I have nothing to say to him today and if he has anything to say to me, he knows where to find me.
I am not prepared to offer 100% in this anymore, until he shows me he wants to be serious. I am not here to force anyone to be or do what they don't want to do, he knows what I have to offer.
All that matters to me right now is me and I am not going to change that if he doesn't appreciate the type of person I truly am.
I will give myself the love, appreciation I deserve. I will give me that party and celebration I am worth and if he decides to stay in his destructive lifestyle, so be it, I just can't give him who I really am if he simply isn't ready to appreciate the value it actually should have in his life.
Many emotions have surfaced today, but I am trying to stay focused on what I need to achieve. I am still very hurt, but I need to heal on my own and on my own terms, and in my own time. I have nothing to say to him today and if he has anything to say to me, he knows where to find me.
I am not prepared to offer 100% in this anymore, until he shows me he wants to be serious. I am not here to force anyone to be or do what they don't want to do, he knows what I have to offer.
All that matters to me right now is me and I am not going to change that if he doesn't appreciate the type of person I truly am.
I will give myself the love, appreciation I deserve. I will give me that party and celebration I am worth and if he decides to stay in his destructive lifestyle, so be it, I just can't give him who I really am if he simply isn't ready to appreciate the value it actually should have in his life.
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